I was waiting in line at an airport restaurant with my son when I realized how much I had to change him as a parent.
I’ve always prided myself on giving my 7-year-old a choice in things he could control, but this time asking him to make a quick decision between a milkshake or a donut made him frustrated and angry.
“I can’t make a decision so quickly!” It’s so mean and unfair,” he retorted.
The damage was done; my offers to give him more time or to choose for him were in vain. He was upset and needed some time to himself – in a crowded airport, no less – to calm down.
I started reading, The hypersensitive child by Dr. Elaine Aron, and suspected that my son had the genetic trait that she describes as very susceptible in her book.
It made me realize that the way I deal with quick decisions in busy airports may be different from my son’s. Instead of pushing him to be more forward-thinking like me, I knew I needed to become more sensitive to the differences in our personality traits.
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“There is brain science about the thalamus, the information gatekeeper, that allows for more information,” says Sophie Schauermann, clinical director of Rooted Rhythm Therapy. “The sensitive brain that sees something positive or negative, whether it’s birthday cakes and puppies or snakes and car crashes, the brain lights up more and stays on longer. “
Dr. Aron’s book explains that up to 20% of children and adults are very sensitive. This means that around one in five people not only absorb more information than average, but also process it more intensely. Highly sensitive people tend to feel their emotions more deeply. They may also need more time to evaluate a situation or choose what is best for them.
Most highly sensitive children and adults are introverted, so at first I didn’t think my extroverted son fit into this category. Dr. Aron’s book states that up to 30% of highly sensitive people are extroverted. This allowed me to see that although my son enjoys visiting new places and talking to strangers, he analyzes everything in depth.
“We see significant ups and downs. Sometimes even in the same hour it’s the worst day or the best day of our life, and parents like to hear that because they think about having a really fun time on vacation and why is my child spending the worst moment? It’s just because that pendulum swing between highs and lows can be important, and I teach parents to normalize that,” says Schauermann.
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My patient and kind son also has strong connections to the people and places we visit. From admiring the beauty of maple trees and raked stones in Portland’s Japanese gardens to learning to play with children who speak languages different from your own, it’s wonderful to watch discover the world from their point of view.
After thinking about traveling to 20 countries and 16 states with my son, I learned a lot about how to travel with a very sensitive child. With Schauermann’s advice, here’s what I now prioritize every time we go on vacation.
Share your travel plans in advance
When a trip approaches, I tell my son where we are going and what we are going to do. Setting expectations gives him time to think about upcoming changes to his daily routine. I show him photos if I have them and give him time to ask questions about any part of our trip he’s unsure about.
When travel plans go awry, we discuss the changes and stress they may feel, especially since highly sensitive people may experience higher cortisol levels when facing unexpected scenarios.
Schedule downtime
During the trip, it is essential to allow time for rest and relaxation, especially on busy days. A quiet break after lunch helps us all recharge for the second wind of the day.
“Sensitive children have a strong need to relax, regulate and process. They might even need a few hours of screen time just to disconnect, process, and let their brain settle,” says Schauermann.
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Screen time can be fraught with judgment, but according to Schauermann, relying on technology is not automatically a disadvantage when traveling with highly sensitive children.
“Anecdotally, I’ve found that some of the sensitive kids we work with really need time to almost check out and disassociate when they’ve taken in too much. They need to relax, you’re welcome. That’s why I help parents make choices that match their values on this subject,” she says.
Respect limits
For spring break, I booked my son and I into the Novotel Belo Horizonte hotel in Brazil specifically for the lobby’s two-story spiral slide. I imagined my son slipping for hours, as I watched him from the couch in the hotel lobby.
When we arrived, as excited as my son was to see the indoor slide, once we got to the top he decided the slide was too big and too dark; he didn’t want to risk being scared.
I do my best to respect his boundaries by taking excursions and trying new foods, even if it means we don’t eat or experience everything I hoped for on a once-in-a-lifetime trip.
Take the time to connect
Whether I’m going to a theme park or a bookstore together, I enjoy one-on-one time with my son, and now I know it can regulate him too. According to Schauermann, scheduling just 20 minutes of bonding time with a caregiver while traveling can be restorative for a highly sensitive child.
“For sensitive children to have a role model of another sensitive person who also learns their own limits and limits, and how they regulate and honor their own sensitivities, is a gift, and they also usually get a high level of attunement on the part of these children. family members,” says Schauermann.
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Even though I am more reckless in decision-making and don’t feel emotions as deeply, Schauermann helped me understand how I can also be a positive guide for my son.
“The non-sensitive person or parent can also be such a gift to the highly sensitive child, as they model not taking things in-depth. And a lot of times they’re able to hold space if they choose to understand the sensitive child and learn more about them and all that. They are able to hold space for the highly sensitive child without getting caught up in feeling.
Celebrate the victories
We were spending an afternoon at Seabreeze Amusement Park in Rochester, New York, a classic theme park with dozens of rides and water attractions. My son had just finished riding the swing carousel when a small pop-up storm forced everyone to take shelter from lightning under the designated canopies near the play area halfway through the park .
“I never manage to have fun!” » This bold statement came out of my son’s body just before thunder rang through the air, as if adding to his frustration.
I know now that it’s common for kids like my son to have big reactions. I began to sympathize with him, talking about his disappointment as we waited for the storm to pass.
“I know! It’s so frustrating to want to go on water rides now, but we have to wait,” I asserted.
About twenty minutes later, the sky cleared and the rides reopened. Once park workers gave the all-clear, my son jumped out and ran ahead of me to the Log Flume, which he ran three times in a row. Each nose immersed in the artificial waterfall of the ride made him smile even bigger.
Once he was satisfied with the ride, I gently reminded him that everything had gone well after our wait. As he accepted it, I internally celebrated my mother’s major victory.
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